I can not even begin to express my feelings right now. Happiness, sadness(that he's growing so fast), a little bit melancholic, excited to see what he does next, and finally, for the 1st time in a long time, CONTENTMENT.
I had a very hard time last year for Gehrig's 1st birthday. What should have been a happy occasion for me turned out to be the start of a "nervous breakdown" for lack of better words. I think you all know from my previous posts the horrible delivery and even worse days after delivery I had with Gehrig. I have blogged about it. I almost died, and that's putting it lightly. I had to stay in the hospital for a whole month while my newborn baby boy had to come home from the hospital with just his dad and my mom. At the time, I did what I had to do to survive. I had fallen off the proverbial horse one too many times and was quite adept at getting myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on the horse. This was all just too much for me to handle this time. I had an ideal that I created in my head of what the "ideal" pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum period were supposed to be. That is one of my biggest problems, I set really high expectations for myself and others. I am working on that, so as not to be so disappointed when life happens and it doesn't go my way.
This time last year, as we prepared for Gehrig's party, we had a tent set up in our backyard. Eric and I were out there, arranging the tables, and I just lost it completely. I sobbed as I explained to my husband that my baby was "gone" and that I had missed all of his important "firsts". The first feeding, diaper change, I wasn't even the first to hold him. I didn't get to dress him and put him in his car seat to take him home(Eric did it, while I was in the ICU fighting for my life). I never got to bring him into our home for the first time, introduce him to Oliver, our pug, show him his nursery that I had painstakingly controlled every detail of it's remodel, I didn't do the first bath, first walk in the stroller, the first all nighter. Daddy did all of these, while I lay in my hospital bed. The only thing it seemed I could do at the time was sit and ruminate on how unlucky I was and how unfair this all was.
Fast forward to a year later. Now, I am doing all kinds of firsts every day!!! First day of preschool, first drink from a real cup, first ice cream cone, first time going down a slide, first time on an airplane, first time in the shower, you get the drift. So while I missed the "first firsts" I am now feeling so blessed to even be here at all to marvel in my little genius-in-the-making(yes, I am biased). I wasn't supposed to be here. I was in septic shock and my prognosis wasn't good. Someone upstairs decided it wasn't time for me to come home to God, that I had important work to be done on earth. I have thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it, every mundane minute. I even enjoy the temper tantrums (for the most part), and putting Gehrig in time out. I really enjoy teaching him right from wrong and how to be polite and be a nice, loving boy. This is the hardest job ever, but at the same time, the most rewarding job I've ever had. What is amazing to me is when I see him share with another child, or show compassion when someone is crying or hurt, or how he loves his "Oyie"-Ollie so much. It makes me feel like I may not be doing such a bad job after all.
This didn't happen overnight. It's been a long process over the last year. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression when Gehrig was 1, partly because I didn't seek help sooner. I couldn't figure out if it was hormones, exhaustion, just being a new mom and adjusting to a new schedule, or if it ha something to do with all I went through after he was born. Shame on my doctors and even myself and Eric for not recognizing the warning signs sooner. I do know now since I have gotten treatment that it is the hardest form of depression to diagnose, for all the reasons I already stated, like are you just a normal tired mom or are you depressed?? I was also diagnosed with PTSD-post traumatic stress disorder, for reasons that should be obvious if you follow my story. The good news is that with regular visits with a therapist, a psychiatrist, and the right medications, I am back to myself, 100%
I bring this up because I think it is still so underdiagnosed and treated, and so many women suffer unneedlessly. I read Brooke Shields' book "Down Came The Rain", and that is what prompted me to get help. If I can help just one woman through this blog, then I have done something good.
G started preschool 2 weeks ago. He is a little sad in the a.m. when I bring him, but the teachers report that by 10 minutes after I leave him, he is fine and playing with the other kids. I did this mainly for socialization, so he can learn to share and interact with other kids. They also teach him ABCs, 123s, colors, shapes, animals, songs, they do art projects, they sing, they have circle time with stories and flash cards, so all in all it's good for him, even if Mommy cries when she leaves him! I am getting better as he gets better though! He's an only child, and doesn't have to share or play well with others, and I certainly don't want my child being THAT CHILD- you know the one- that nobody likes and the parents all can't stand secretly!! So we're nipping that in the bud so when pre-K and Kindergarten come he is a well mannered well adjusted kid. Plus they put them on the potty every 2 hours all day-THAT in itself is worth it's weight in GOLD!!! He hasn't gotten potty trained yet, he's only 2, but now he will tell you when he "poos" and he doesn't seem to like it, so he asks for his diaper to be changed right away. I hope that this is a good sign.
This Sunday is his birthday party. We're expecting 40 people. We'll have swimming in our pool(I hired 2 lifeguards), the ice cream man is going to come in his truck, we'll have games and food. More low key than last year but still a good time. It's supposed to be 107 degrees so the pool should be like 90 or higher, we'll heat it in the a.m. and we also have solar heating panels on our roof for the pool. The theme is CARS(as in Disney-Lightning McQueen). The kid says the word "car" like 1000 times a day! We got him his first power wheel, a blue and white mini cooper that goes 3 miles an hour and even has a car stereo in it! It's so cool, I always wanted one when I was little!
Lots to do leading up to Sunday. Costco, Target, Pottery Barn, groceries, etc. We'll get it all done, we always do. My parents are here from NY visiting and helping. My dad went to town on our patio. He painted the entire patio, cleaned all my teak furniture and oiled it, rented a rug cleaner and cleaned all the cushions for the outdoor furniture, cut our palm trees, and hung hanging flower baskets. The place looks amazing. I am so lucky to have such supportive helping parents that love their grandson so much.
We have our 2nd family vacation scheduled for August 28th to September 4th 2010. We are going to Negril, Jamaica. It's just outside of Montego Bay, VERY far away from Kingston, where there is a travel advisory due to drug wars. We're staying at Beaches, a sister company of Sandals, but for families. They actually sponsor Sesame Street, so the resort has all the Sesame St. characters. There is storytime with Elmo, baking with Cookie Monster, adventures with Grover, Counting with the Count, Bert and Ernie, Abby Cadabby and Big Bird, to name a few. We booked a character breakfast so G can get his picture taken with all the characters. They have a day care center thats open from 9 am to 6 pm, so mom and dad can go and sunbathe, snorkel, scuba dive, jetski, golf or go to the spa. then for $6 an hour after 6 PM you can get a nanny in your room to babysit so you can go to dinner as a couple! It's going to be great. There's also a waterslide park that Eric will love taking G to. G loves the water so he'll spend quite a bit of time in the pool with mommy and daddy! He's only 2 and he's been to NY 2 times, CT, Curacao, and now Jamaica. What a little world traveler!!
I have applied for licensure in Nevada for my RN, so I am planning on going back to work in the fall, just per diem, maybe like one 8 hour shift a week. Just enough to get my mind active again. I can NOT wait! Eric is the director of the Emergency Dept. at Southern Hills Hospital, as well as director for medical command for life flight helicopter at that hospital, he's a co-director of his private group of ER physicians Fremont Emergency Services, is part owner in ACES-Advanced Care Emergency Services, whic is in Arizona, and is taking over Medical Director for MedicWest, one of the biggest ambulance services in Southern Nevada. So to say he has his plate full is an understatement. Somehow, though I have no idea how, he still finds time for Gehrig and myself, as well as a little bit of hitting the links now and then!! I have just started working out at the gym with a trainer, and am doing so great at it, surprisingly so. I used to HATE to exercise, but I am finding ways to make it fun. And, lets be honest, having a trainer to be accountable to always helps!
Thats all for now, I must get some sleep! I promise to blog more often!! I really mean that this time. It's quite cathartic, actually. I may not be witty or funny, but I am working on it. Happy Summer to all my friends and family, I love you all. Thank you to my followers. I hope to increase my followers if I actually can sit and write every few days!!!
