OK, as I sit here at almoxt midnight I am thinking to myself, you should seriously be asleep by now and not still on the internet, namely on facebook and reading the blogs that I follow.
Perhaps this is why I haven't read a book for my book club in over 8 months?? I say I have no time, but I do get some free time, even with a 5 month old(I am not saying it is a lot, but still), and yet I still manage to never finish a book on time for book club.
This couldn't have anything to do with the SEVENTEEN magazine subscriptions I currently have or for the close to TWENTY programs I have to TiVo weekly. And it most certainly has nothing to do with the approximately 20-30 hours per week I spend online just fooling around either.
Right, I will just keep telling myself this to make myself feel better.
I am not going to even get started on my addiction to Gymboree or even clothes for a certain 5 month old knockout altogether.
Last night I went and had my hair colored, highlighted and cut, like i do every 6 weeks, and I get a whole 3 HOURS to myself to read said magazines mentioned above. After I went in to Gymboree because they are starting their "circle of friends" discount today. That's 30% off everything for those of you that don't know these things. I needed to be in there like I need a hole in the head. Of course i found about 10 more outfits that I just HAVE to have for G. The only thing I feel good about when it comes to this addiction is that I can either give it to friends or family or sell it on ebay after.
And let's not even get into what I bought at Along Came A Spider, a very chic child's boutique here in Vegas.
I know one thing is true, people always told me when you have a baby you tend to do everything for them, including buy things when you go out shopping. I don't really buy clothes for me anymore, except for the 3 full shopping bags I took home a few weeks ago. If you can't tell my sarcasm, that was it...
OK, now I really must get off the computer and get to bed before I am trying to make G watch Sesame Street while in his jumparoo in the a.m. so I can doze while he watches, because I can already tell he hates it when I do that!!
Oh, and did I mention my IPod addiction?? I'll save that for another day...
11/2/08
An early Thanksgiving.....
I am in a bit of a reflective mood tonight as I sit here and ponder how fortunate I am. I just tucked my sweet baby boy into bed and watched him stare at his new crib toy. He rolled over for the first(and second) time yesterday, so I figured today was as good a day as any to take his bumper pads out of his crib. Since they're a SIDS risk, and he can now move and bury his face into them, I decided I had better get them out. I bought him the Fisher-Price ocean wonders aquarium, so Eric hooked it onto the crib siderails. When I turned it on for him tonight he just stared at it, as if he was in a daze. He didn't even take his pacifier, and he always takes it for sleep. I left the room and haven't heard a peep out of him since.
It's a beautiful fall night, crisp cool air, clear sky, lots of stars and a bright moon. My favorite kind of night, and fall is definitely my favorite season. As I looked up at the beautiful sky at the stars and the moon, I said the "star light, star bright, first star I see tonight" prayer. My prayer this evening was that God continue to bring Stacy and Spencer some kind of comfort and healing, and to bring them something truly wonderful, and sooner rather than later if possible.
I don't even know Stacy and Spencer, but I follow Stacy's blog, and their story haunts me, I just can't seem to forget them, or their sweet baby boy(who is no longer on this earth). The blog is under my list of blogs I follow, titled He Will Carry Me, in case anyone wants to read it.
Every single time I get frustrated, or am really exhausted, or wish I could just get a moment to myself to pay a bill, call a friend, or even take a shower, all I have to do to remind myself of how blessed I am is think of Stacy and Spencer. And I do this, so often. The first night I ever stumbled upon the blog Stacy writes was a really awful night for me. Eric was working, and Gehrig cried for about 4 hours straight. He was sick from getting all of his 4 month vaccines(even though being a pediatric RN and Eric being an ER doctor told both of us that babies don't get sick from vaccines-yeah right, they do). It's really just a heightened immune response that happens, and a fever may develop, they may be sore at the injection site, and could have some aches or joint pain. I gave him Tylenol every 4 hours, not the dose on the bottle, but the REAL dose you can give infants, based on their weight(that I know from work and the bottle doesn't tell you). By the 3rd hour of G's crying, I was on my reserved nerve. I was getting so annoyed and just really wished he'd fall asleep, mostly for his sake, but definitely for me too. So I was reading a friend's blog, and she had made a reference to Stacy and Spencer, and so I clicked on the link, and proceeded to read the ENTIRE blog.
I then sobbed and sobbed, and I went and picked up my little cranky sick boy, and I just held him so close to me. I must have cried and rocked him for a good hour, and he fell asleep. I begged God to forgive me for being short tempered with my little guy, how could I be so ungrateful when there are people out there suffering so much, and would do just anything to hold their child for one more minute? I felt horrible.
I was telling my mom of this the next day, and she reminded me that it was completely normal to get frustrated once in a while. New moms from here to the North Pole would probably agree, some days are really frustrating, it's not that you don't love your baby, it's just that one can only take so much. I guess I agree, but it wasn't that long ago that I was still going through IVF. I prayed and prayed to God to give me a child. I used to say "if I could just have ONE baby, I'd...." In essence, bargaining, which you aren't supposed to do with God, although I am sure many do it. It always made me sick that people could have children and abuse them or neglect them, when I so badly wanted one and could not have one. I always wondered, how does that work, why do THEY get to have kids and be horrible to them, while someone like me or Eric(who would just adore a child) gets all the hurdles to jump over or hoops to jump through? Why is God doing this to us?
I have been a Catholic all my life, although really only started truly practicing in the last 12 years or so. I never made my confirmation when I was in Jr. high school like the rest of my friends, I made it at the age of 21, and it was my decision to do so. It was around the time I really started getting sick and always being in the hospital that I really needed to have a higher power to turn to, to ask to heal me, and to have faith in that things would get better. My mom and I started going to mass every Sunday for quite a long time, and I started to go and talk to my priest on a regular basis too. I definitely can say that I questioned God's plan for me and that there even was One over the last 2 years when I was trying so hard to conceive. And according to strict Catholic belief, pursuing IVF was not natural and I shouldn't be doing it. I even asked my priest about this, and he said that he actually believed that God would not have made scientists discover that IVF works if He hadn't meant for people to use it. Thank God for that, now I could continue, guilt free.
When we first found out I was pregnant, we really thanked God and I was just so excited I could barely contain it. About 10 days later we found out that the 2 embryos we had transferred not only had both implanted, but one had split, so just the very situation we were trying to avoid had happened, we were carrying triplets. I couldn't believe my bad luck. I thought to myself, "is this some kind of sick joke?", and "is God really trying to test me?" There was NO POSSIBLE WAY I was going to have selective reduction(in essence, abortion of one of the fetuses). At the same time I KNEW my perinatologist(high risk OB doctor), Dr. Adashek was never going to go for me having triplets. It was going to be enough of a medical nightmare for him(and me) to even have one baby. Again, Thank God that I didn't have to make that decision, the next time I went for an ultrasound, 1 week later, one of the babies had never developed a heart beat, so I was left with twins. This was way more manageable, still not ideal but manageable.
Sadly, at 13 weeks. 4 days, my other identical twin lost it's heartbeat, and I was left with one strong, healthy baby. I was honestly sad and devastated by this, but knew at the same time, that it was going to make my pregnancy that much easier, and would likely ensure that my singleton would be born without complications(to him, not me). Now I think of my son's identical twin siblings all the time, as my angelbabies in Heaven, and as Gehrig's guardian angels. I know that they watched over him after his birth and watched over me after giving birth, and were the angels that guarded me from dying when I got so sick after having G. They knew I had a baby here that needed me, and they carried me through all the hard times.
So when I find myself feeling a little bit down, just like any new mom does from time to time, all I have to do is think of Stacy and Spencer, and think about what she wouldn't give to hold her little boy for just one minute more. I know I may be being hard on myself, as every mom feels sad or frustrated or exhausted at one point. It's just that I get really mad at myself when I feel anything but grateful, or joyful, or humbled by what I have been given.
So that very first night I stumbled on to the blog, I believe it was a sign, maybe my guardian angels or even God himself whispering to me, "slow down", or "think about everything you have", and I really needed that that night. I needed to be knocked down a few notches, to be put in my place and made to realize that I was damn lucky and that things can always be 100 times worse. I really try to remember this every day, and I try to always be mindful of how fortunate I am. I am lucky to have a beautiful, healthy baby boy, I am lucky to have such a wonderful family and the best friends anyone could ever have. I am lucky to have a roof over my head and food in my pantry. I am lucky to be able to put gas in my car or to be able to go out once in a while for some "me time" or a "date night" with my husband(who I am also SO lucky to have).
My grandmother recently found out that she has 3 aneurysms on her brain, and last Tuesday underwent a craniotomy to tie off the aneurysms. (that is where they have to remove the bone plate from the skull, and go into the brain to tie off the aneurysm). She is 73 and in general good health, but we all were very worried nonetheless. I knew she'd be ok(first because Eric told me she would and second because I know what a fighter she is). Well, she is ok. It is going to be a long road of recovery, with rehab-physical and occupational therapy, home health care nurses coming to her house, and a lot of work on her part to heal and get better, but I really feel she will do just fine.
So as I sat here this evening after I put my gorgeous baby boy to bed, I just looked at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, I have so much to be thankful for this year. God is good. I am so blessed. Not many people can actually say that they take the time to sit down, slow down, and just reflect on how good they have it, but I can, and I do.
So as I go to sleep tonight I'll pray for Stacy and Spencer and anyone else that is suffering a horrific loss, and I will hug my husband a little tighter and thank God for what I DO have.
It's a beautiful fall night, crisp cool air, clear sky, lots of stars and a bright moon. My favorite kind of night, and fall is definitely my favorite season. As I looked up at the beautiful sky at the stars and the moon, I said the "star light, star bright, first star I see tonight" prayer. My prayer this evening was that God continue to bring Stacy and Spencer some kind of comfort and healing, and to bring them something truly wonderful, and sooner rather than later if possible.
I don't even know Stacy and Spencer, but I follow Stacy's blog, and their story haunts me, I just can't seem to forget them, or their sweet baby boy(who is no longer on this earth). The blog is under my list of blogs I follow, titled He Will Carry Me, in case anyone wants to read it.
Every single time I get frustrated, or am really exhausted, or wish I could just get a moment to myself to pay a bill, call a friend, or even take a shower, all I have to do to remind myself of how blessed I am is think of Stacy and Spencer. And I do this, so often. The first night I ever stumbled upon the blog Stacy writes was a really awful night for me. Eric was working, and Gehrig cried for about 4 hours straight. He was sick from getting all of his 4 month vaccines(even though being a pediatric RN and Eric being an ER doctor told both of us that babies don't get sick from vaccines-yeah right, they do). It's really just a heightened immune response that happens, and a fever may develop, they may be sore at the injection site, and could have some aches or joint pain. I gave him Tylenol every 4 hours, not the dose on the bottle, but the REAL dose you can give infants, based on their weight(that I know from work and the bottle doesn't tell you). By the 3rd hour of G's crying, I was on my reserved nerve. I was getting so annoyed and just really wished he'd fall asleep, mostly for his sake, but definitely for me too. So I was reading a friend's blog, and she had made a reference to Stacy and Spencer, and so I clicked on the link, and proceeded to read the ENTIRE blog.
I then sobbed and sobbed, and I went and picked up my little cranky sick boy, and I just held him so close to me. I must have cried and rocked him for a good hour, and he fell asleep. I begged God to forgive me for being short tempered with my little guy, how could I be so ungrateful when there are people out there suffering so much, and would do just anything to hold their child for one more minute? I felt horrible.
I was telling my mom of this the next day, and she reminded me that it was completely normal to get frustrated once in a while. New moms from here to the North Pole would probably agree, some days are really frustrating, it's not that you don't love your baby, it's just that one can only take so much. I guess I agree, but it wasn't that long ago that I was still going through IVF. I prayed and prayed to God to give me a child. I used to say "if I could just have ONE baby, I'd...." In essence, bargaining, which you aren't supposed to do with God, although I am sure many do it. It always made me sick that people could have children and abuse them or neglect them, when I so badly wanted one and could not have one. I always wondered, how does that work, why do THEY get to have kids and be horrible to them, while someone like me or Eric(who would just adore a child) gets all the hurdles to jump over or hoops to jump through? Why is God doing this to us?
I have been a Catholic all my life, although really only started truly practicing in the last 12 years or so. I never made my confirmation when I was in Jr. high school like the rest of my friends, I made it at the age of 21, and it was my decision to do so. It was around the time I really started getting sick and always being in the hospital that I really needed to have a higher power to turn to, to ask to heal me, and to have faith in that things would get better. My mom and I started going to mass every Sunday for quite a long time, and I started to go and talk to my priest on a regular basis too. I definitely can say that I questioned God's plan for me and that there even was One over the last 2 years when I was trying so hard to conceive. And according to strict Catholic belief, pursuing IVF was not natural and I shouldn't be doing it. I even asked my priest about this, and he said that he actually believed that God would not have made scientists discover that IVF works if He hadn't meant for people to use it. Thank God for that, now I could continue, guilt free.
When we first found out I was pregnant, we really thanked God and I was just so excited I could barely contain it. About 10 days later we found out that the 2 embryos we had transferred not only had both implanted, but one had split, so just the very situation we were trying to avoid had happened, we were carrying triplets. I couldn't believe my bad luck. I thought to myself, "is this some kind of sick joke?", and "is God really trying to test me?" There was NO POSSIBLE WAY I was going to have selective reduction(in essence, abortion of one of the fetuses). At the same time I KNEW my perinatologist(high risk OB doctor), Dr. Adashek was never going to go for me having triplets. It was going to be enough of a medical nightmare for him(and me) to even have one baby. Again, Thank God that I didn't have to make that decision, the next time I went for an ultrasound, 1 week later, one of the babies had never developed a heart beat, so I was left with twins. This was way more manageable, still not ideal but manageable.
Sadly, at 13 weeks. 4 days, my other identical twin lost it's heartbeat, and I was left with one strong, healthy baby. I was honestly sad and devastated by this, but knew at the same time, that it was going to make my pregnancy that much easier, and would likely ensure that my singleton would be born without complications(to him, not me). Now I think of my son's identical twin siblings all the time, as my angelbabies in Heaven, and as Gehrig's guardian angels. I know that they watched over him after his birth and watched over me after giving birth, and were the angels that guarded me from dying when I got so sick after having G. They knew I had a baby here that needed me, and they carried me through all the hard times.
So when I find myself feeling a little bit down, just like any new mom does from time to time, all I have to do is think of Stacy and Spencer, and think about what she wouldn't give to hold her little boy for just one minute more. I know I may be being hard on myself, as every mom feels sad or frustrated or exhausted at one point. It's just that I get really mad at myself when I feel anything but grateful, or joyful, or humbled by what I have been given.
So that very first night I stumbled on to the blog, I believe it was a sign, maybe my guardian angels or even God himself whispering to me, "slow down", or "think about everything you have", and I really needed that that night. I needed to be knocked down a few notches, to be put in my place and made to realize that I was damn lucky and that things can always be 100 times worse. I really try to remember this every day, and I try to always be mindful of how fortunate I am. I am lucky to have a beautiful, healthy baby boy, I am lucky to have such a wonderful family and the best friends anyone could ever have. I am lucky to have a roof over my head and food in my pantry. I am lucky to be able to put gas in my car or to be able to go out once in a while for some "me time" or a "date night" with my husband(who I am also SO lucky to have).
My grandmother recently found out that she has 3 aneurysms on her brain, and last Tuesday underwent a craniotomy to tie off the aneurysms. (that is where they have to remove the bone plate from the skull, and go into the brain to tie off the aneurysm). She is 73 and in general good health, but we all were very worried nonetheless. I knew she'd be ok(first because Eric told me she would and second because I know what a fighter she is). Well, she is ok. It is going to be a long road of recovery, with rehab-physical and occupational therapy, home health care nurses coming to her house, and a lot of work on her part to heal and get better, but I really feel she will do just fine.
So as I sat here this evening after I put my gorgeous baby boy to bed, I just looked at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, I have so much to be thankful for this year. God is good. I am so blessed. Not many people can actually say that they take the time to sit down, slow down, and just reflect on how good they have it, but I can, and I do.
So as I go to sleep tonight I'll pray for Stacy and Spencer and anyone else that is suffering a horrific loss, and I will hug my husband a little tighter and thank God for what I DO have.
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